Max "Curls Up" with Mandy

Journal Entry
01/xx/2004


I labeled this journal entry “01/xx” because, when so many wild and curious events began to take place, I hadn’t been keeping a record of everything. I do remember, though, that when the following event happened, I’d been meditating a lot – praying for peace, fortitude, knowledge and understanding.

And so, right around this time, I’m lying on the sofa when out of the blue, I get the sense that my husband, now a disembodied spirit, is curling up around me. I am barely awake. Even so, I’m able to discern powerful thought-forms and emotions surging toward me in waves. I doubt this will make much sense to anyone, but this is the only way I can describe it: I can hardly hear Max’s voice as if it is light years away, yet I distinctly hear him cry out, “M-a-n-d-y, I love you! Mandy, I love you!”

Then, without forethought and certainly without any effort, I find myself screaming, “Max, Max! I love you too!”

“Where are you? I mean, I feel you, but where are you?”

Then, I hear him say, “Mandy...” but I am unable to hear the rest of his words. Like the blips from a bad radio signal, his sound simply fades into a hum… then nothing. And as his voice drifts away, so does his being.

Still, I do not feel alone or empty, and I glide into a bottomless sleep.

*****

These incredibly heartfelt, if not impassioned moments happened about four or five times over a three-week period. Nevertheless, I am at a loss because I cannot fully comprehend what took place. But in light of all that has happened since December of 2003, I decided to try to capture and make note of these beautifully compelling thoughts and feelings coming through to me. Sometimes the forms arrive as symbols and visual patterns, sometimes as emotions, and other times as words of the English language – all having Max’s unique, resonant quality.

Regardless, my words do not and never will do justice to these overpowering experiences.

*****

Post Script

As the receiver and object of the above thoughts and feelings (in essence, a part and parcel of the not-so-scientific study at hand), I am unable to verify what I have seen or heard. Nevertheless, I do not believe these visions, sounds and sentiments are coming from me, i.e., solely from my mind. In general, this puts me into the dubious category of “object” of the event in question.

Is Max, then, the subject? It would seem so. However, some would say that I am the subject and object as well, i.e., the only “creature” playing a part in the entire scenario. Apart from any commentary at large, I find that as these sounds, sights and sentiments arrive in my field of consciousness, they appear to be extraneous to my being. They are “flying” toward me in what I can only describe as shock waves, soft yet loud – another contradiction – at least on the surface. These waves are filled with an intense energy (or perhaps a consciousness) of their own.

Forgive me. It is difficult to talk about these notions in any humanly intelligible way, but I do hope you will bear with me. It is my best effort at explaining such awe-inspiring yet incomprehensible encounters.